Navigating Pregnancy after Loss

Well, well… lots to catch up on! My last blog post series was all about mold detox and the discovery that I had a mold issue after a very early loss. I talked about how I was pretty sure mold may have played a role in the chemical pregnancy and how I was excited for the future since I had a mold free body and a remediated home that was now mold free!

As I’m writing this, I’m currently in 8 weeks pregnant with our sweet little baby and I want to talk specifically about my experience in this first trimester so far following a loss:

let’s talk about it

Whew, this part has been a bit of a whirlwind honestly. Those first few weeks were just about survival for me. And I don’t mean physical survival, I mean emotional survival - it was very hard. I’m just going to be vulnerable and honest here… I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and channeled that fear in trying to control the situation and gather data. I took a test nearly every day until 6 weeks (when you’re out of the chemical pregnancy window) just to see that the line was darker and still there. I also did a few blood tests to monitor my levels and be sure they were rising accurately. Approaching anything with that much worry and rigidity is super draining but it did quiet my anxiety temporarily.

With my first pregnancy, I had my positive and allll the joy from a digital test. A few days later I wanted to have a 2 pink line test because who doesn’t envision that? I took it and it was pretty much negative which shocked and I think slightly traumatized me. I was extremely confused honestly. I had never heard of a chemical pregnancy and had no idea what was going on. Everything was up in the air until I started bleeding a couple of days later. It was a lot to process. it’s amazing how fast you begin to envision the future and all the things, then to have that taken away was kind of shocking.

I learned that there was no magic pill that was going to wish my worries away. I really had to learn how make peace with them and accept that I can’t control everything. I told myself when I got to 6 weeks that I’d be happy and less worried but when I got to 6 weeks I said I’d feel that way at 7 weeks (haha) finally at about 7 weeks I started to relax and just trust and have faith.

That’s usually the way I am, when I worry - I worry with my WHOLE heart until I’m exhausted and thennnn I wave the white flag. Working on that one!

I was worried that I was going to jinx it if I told someone or celebrated it also, that was an interesting feeling too. I reminded myself over and over that a loss in the past does not = a loss now. it’s a new pregnancy, a new egg, new sperm and new baby. That helped too!

A lot of women say to just tell yourself “today, I am pregnant” and focus on that but honestly that didn’t really resonate with me or make me feel any better so that might work for you but it didn’t work for me.

One mantra the really resonated with me was “Miscarriage is the excpetion, not the rule”

I think that if you’ve experienced ANY type of loss, it is almost impossible to carry zero fear in subsequent pregnancies. I got to a place where instead of trying to override it or eliminate it, I had to learn how to make friends with it. This was a process that did not happen overnight.

It’s just one of those things you have to surrender on. Easier said than done, I know. I hate that loss was a part of my journey to motherhood and that it has jaded some of my experience but it just is what it is. The reality is that a large % of women, no matter how healthy they are, have or will walk through this. If your body knows something isn’t viable, especially in those early days, it is better that it’s released. That can be true AND it can fucking suck, that’s just the reality. The truth is, without that loss, I would have never discovered I had a mold issue, colonized mold and toxicity. I would not have known that changes needed to be made and without those changes, the health of both me and our baby could be compromised. I took that information and I created a better foundation to equate to a better outcome. There is some good amidst all the difficulties.

This journey has taught me surrender, acceptance, grace and so much more. It’s part of our story and makes our sweet baby coming that much more special.

** This post was written long before it was published. I am now 18 weeks and due this fall!