Our Homebirth - Pt 2
Sitting here I start to feel my body naturally bearing down lightly at the end of contractions. Like my uterus was pushing baby down. Our team could hear from the sounds I was making that things were progressing so they have me get in the birth tub where I labor for maybe 45 min before going back to the toilet to sit there again through a few contractions.
My husband is rubbing my head, holding my hand and my sister is applying pressure to my back which both help. They both are telling me words of encouragement and support which help carry me through each second. I couldn’t do this without them.
Things are very intense now and I am mentally fully somewhere else. Each contraction requires my full attention and the second it leaves, I go somewhere else too. It’s like I went to another planet honestly. I felt like I was getting long breaks in between but was later told that wasn’t the case. Watching videos back of this time, I can see my eyes roll back the second a contraction ends and it’s clear I go somewhere else momentarily.
At this point I can’t help but think what the fuck was I thinking? My exact internal dialogue. Yet At the same time, peace washes over me. I don’t have fears or worries. The words “I can’t do this” never entered the space. I felt insanely supported by God, our angels & the ppl in the room. I truly think that feeling so supported is what allowed me to relax enough to let my body work. I am forever grateful for this.
There was pain now. There was intensity & discomfort… but there was no suffering. That’s the best way i could describe it. I surrender fully and let myself be washed away with every contraction. The veil is thinnnn and I embrace the vulnerability and exposure that this process is requiring of me.
My midwife asks if she could do a cervical check (my first one all pregnancy and labor) and I say ok but that I don’t want to know. I didn’t want to hear a number and get in my head. I’m living second to second right now and thats all the info I can take.
we all laugh when she quickly says “well nothing to check, there is no cervix left and I can feel baby’s head!)
